Feelings.

The last few weeks I have spent countless hours reading thru blogs. Blogs with writers who are so much more eloquent at writing than I am. I have never been able to put into words how I am feeling right now.

I am at home on a Friday night, not because of a lack of social life up in Calg. The summers are always the BEST. Everyone is home for the summer. The weather is {co operative} sometimes. Fires. Camping. Staying up way to late. Waking up even earlier. Hot dogs. S'mores. You name it, We do it!! However. I'm tired. And. I have a lot on my mind. I have recently made the decision to head back to school. To get my graduate degree in public health and my Masters in Hospital Management. {scary} I've had a hard time talking about it. It makes it more real. The more real it is. The more emotion that creeps in. The makes me doubt my ability to be a leader. To make a difference for the better.

I've felt:: -Inadequacy -Decrease Confidence -Excitement -Depression Inadequacy I feel like I am not the best person for the job. That there are always going to be more people better qualified for the position, people that will swipe the job out from under me. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has really helped me with the whole leadership thing. I have had many opportunities over the last decade to be a leader. In our respective church Auxiliaries we designate class presidents, and councillors, and are asked to speak in large congregations, teach lessons, and to be examples. I feel that this quality has not come easily to me. However, I have always risen to the occasion when called to serve{spiritually and temporally) I know that I have spent the last 5 years of my career uncomfortable with choices, policies and protocols. I've come to the conclusion that I can spend the next 20 years contributing to the problem and complaining about things I can not change. Or. I can follow the personal council I have received and can be apart of the solution. To get the education to be in a position where I can change the health care system for the better. Because I have been given specific instructions that I am to pursue and develop my leadership skills I know that I will be tried, tested and go thru a lot of hardship before all is said and done. That's life. But I know that when the time comes to shine. I will rise to the occasion. We as LDS are always encouraged to take our decisions to the Lord. To make sure we are on the path that he has set for us. to have the companionship on the Holy Ghost thru times of trial and need. We also believe that as we speak with the Lord thru prayer, that he answers us as well. We call that Personal Revelation.

Decreased Confidence What mid 20 year old woman DOESN'T at times have a decrease in her confidence from time to time? Riddle me that. I'll be the first to admit. My confidence is lower than I'd like. Reasons include: Self Worth, Gossip, age, what I look like, my hair isn't as nice as the girl next door, my eyes are too small. and the {HUGE} elephant in the room. Being a mid 20 year old Mormon girl that is not married with 3 kids *GASP* Huge shocker right? Sometimes we need to leave behind the life we have planned/hoped/yearned for ours to follow a much different path. A path that was set out for each of us before we were born. a path that if we try our hardest to follow will result in an Eternity of endless joy. More joy that we can possibly imagine for ourselves. But I know that as it comes time to shine. I will rise to the occasion. Where I can do what I need to do, to accomplish the tasks that are required of me. It will be hard. But Sacrifice brings forth the blessings {of Heaven}

Excitement I haven't really told too many people about this. so for all of you that are finding out thru my blog *SURPRISE* Sorry I haven't told you yet. I know that this is the right step for me to take in my life at this time. I have talked with my parents, with close friends and most importantly I have prayed about it, and felt that the Lord was pleased with my choice to pursue my education, and to head back down to Utah. I am beyond thrilled and I know that this will open up a whole adventures to me. It will be hard. It will be rewarding. I will cry. It will be a gong show. It will be one of the BEST choices I've ever made. I am so excited to grow, to meet new people and to be proud of what I am doing. I know that when it's my time to shine, I will rise to the occasion.

Depression I just finished paying off my jeep. I've paid off my last degree. I have a wonderful job with benefits, I make a lot of money. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to be living off whatever I can save over the next few months. AHHHH anyone who knows me knows this isn't going to work haha. I'm going down to Utah. The girls are all 5'2 110lbs blonde hair, blue eyes super gorgeous.... Well. Secrets out. Because I am not 5'2 nor am I 110lbs. I'll really need to get over my self imagine if I am not going to self destruct while I am down there. I've recently learned {and I use learned loosely. more like because aware} that we need to be comfortable in our own skin. That no matter what we look like, how we act, the car we drive, etc... Haters are gonna HATE. You can't please everyone. So why waste your time, and why waste your energy. I'm still trying to learn that. It's great for me to see people I look up to living that motto. I'm still working on this one. I'll keep ya posted! I think depression is really taboo. It's not a contagious disease. People don't like to talk about it. It comes and it goes. There are ways to get through it whether thru exercise, thru medication, meditation, or other personal means. No one way is better than the other. I'll be the first person to admit that I suffer from depression. I'm okay with that. However, for those of you who are suffering or know someone who is suffering from depression. It is NOT shameful to get help. Talk to someone. I've found that as I am in the service of others, I often forget about my problems, and realize that the Lord is aware of my problems, of yours and over the person down the street. He doesn't want us to be alone. I know that when it's my time to shine. I will rise to the occasion. Even tho I have all of these emotions going through my head. I know that as I continue to communicate with the Lord, and with my family and the people that matter to me I will be able to accomplish this task. When it is my time to shine. I will rise to the occasion.