Just Today....but not....

Today is a really hard day for me.. Today(almost to the hour) a few years ago I was in a car accident(It wasn't pretty!) I think thats all I really want to say about that event. Mainly my purpose for blogging today is vent some frustrations, and share some insights that I've learned over the last few years. Normally I write heavily in my journal about this topic around this time of year but I figured I'd blog about it, since this is pretty much the journal of the 21st century.

Ok, so here goes! And please don't judge me, I have never really voiced/typed any of these thoughts for the whole to see, they've been confined to the comfort of my journal!

THEN(Prior to my accident)
.I thought that this was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted with it.
.I thought that my life was going to play out exactly how I had planned it; school, marriage, kids, live happily ever after.
.I thought I was invincible.
.I thought nothing like that could ever happen to me.
.I thought my family loved me.
.I thought I had good friends.
.I thought I was rad.
.I thought I had the typical...PERFECT life.
.I thought I had a testimony of the Plan of Salvation, the Savior, and God.
.I thought I was on the right track.

AFTER(my accident)
..I realized this is my life, and the LORD has a plan for me(but REALLY was this in the cards)..
..I realized my life wasn't going to be playing out as planned..
..I realized I wasn't invincible and at anytime I could die(Like Oct 22)..
..I realized, that stuff like this can happen to anyone..
..I realized I have a family who loves me, and they would have died too if anything would have happened to me..
..I realized I had friends who bent over backwards to help me(friends on missions wrote letters to me, and they visited with me, and they helped me get better, they stayed with me when I would cry, and would listen to me HATING life,God, and everything else.)..
..I didn't think I was too rad..
..I realized my perfect life, was no longer perfect, and it will never be the way it was before..
..I realized my testimony was rock solid when things were going well, but I questioned EVERYTHING after it didn't go MY way..
..I realized I was no where near the track I should have been..

Now, to say I have all these issues have been 'resolved' would be lying, because there are still some days where I HATE my life, and where I wonder WHAT would have happened if I didn't get into that accident...

Would I be married..in the temple?, would I be happy, would I live in Calgary?

I know for sure I wouldn't be in Calgary! This city was NEVER in my plans. Am I glad I'm here? Yes, and No. I've met people, and experienced things I don't think I would have ever had the chance given I didn't live here(good and bad). Are they experiences I'm grateful for? Yes, and No. Some people have come into my life and changed it for the better, others I wish I could erase from my memory. To say I hate Calgary would a lie, and it would say I wasn't grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly that has happened while I've been here! But I do wonder what would have happened. Where would I be?

How has what happened to me changed me?
-- Well right after the accident, I was scared to drive. Then I got really careless(sorry mom) I was mad, and I was SURE that since I could have died in ONE car accident the chances of actually dying in a car accident was slim to none(probability). Retarded right? YUP! I'm alot more careful now, I do get nervous while I drive, and when I see cars pulling out, or turning. HA Turning is a JOKE still. When I'm turning anywhere and I'm turning left I tense up(it's gotten alot better over the last year or so) but I still jolt. Merging/changing lanes is really hard. I still tense up alot as if I was getting hit on my driver side door again.(ugh) ...sorry guys....mental picture. THAT was rough! wow..... Sometimes I still have nightmares, not as much anymore..THANK goodness...maybe one day I'll pass by Oct 22 like just any other day!

So NOW
...This is my life, and I was saved because I have a work to do, so I need to be an instrument in the Lords hands to help move the work along...
...I am not invincible and I should not help progress my death date by acting retarded...
...It can happen to anyone, and it totally does. In the last YEAR alone, my town has had a few kids killed in car accidents not too far from my accident...
...I still have a family who loves me so much, and I love them, and I know that if anything happens to them, or me that it would tear us apart...
...I still have amazing friends, friends from back when I got into my accident have texted, called, fb'ed me to say they're thinking of me, and friends I've made since then have been there and let me talk about it...
...I'm pretty rad. I definately have some issues to work out, but who doesn't right?...
...The Lord doesn't give us more than we can't handle, and that sometimes things happen for a reason and they THIS needed to happen to change the path I was on. I know that even tho I don't really like Calgary, and that this wasn't in MY plans, that it was in the LORDS plans, and I need to find out why I'm here, and who I need to help...
...I know I'm on the right track now, and I will stay on it...I am being blessed for it...

It's still hard, but I'm just trying to learn new things, and trying to make the most of this situation. That doesn't mean I don't get down sometimes... but things are looking up. I'm back working out at the gym full time, so I'm trying to get in shape, and train for more triathlons, and I've got a good job, and I hope to go back to school sometime soon.

Life is getting better, and I hope that I can help other people who might be in the same boat as me!

Sorry this was such a heavy post, but I feel WAY better now


<3